Dear Miranda Hobbs, I Love You...

Great Scott! I need a f**king Flux Capacitor!

I need to go back in time and change the future.

I need to go back and NOT eat macaroni and cheese and mashed potatoes yesterday.

I feel like a marine animal ....  that rhymes with snail.

I also have a mild hangover today- that I would NOT go back and change. Because yesterday? Was fun. Drunken blogging is kind of fun. Drunken cooking and watching your kid is also more fun. Dangerous, but fun. I had the assistance of my husband, so don't get all social services on me. Besides, I am allowed a day or ten of drunken fun a year.

Today I had the hangover cravings. The kind that demands you to open mouth, insert greasy and salty food.. rinse, repeat. This is not at all condusive to the success of Operation 150.

What's a girl to do?

I'll tell you what I think I should do. I need a giant bottle of dish detergent.. to pour all over this fattening version of mac and cheese I made for my no-show guests. Did you see Miranda (from Sex and the City) do that? I love Miranda for that. It is SO real. I have to find this on you tube.

Holy Crap. I found it.  Shit is GOLDEN.

Watch this. I promise you will love it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfk5iseN87k

 

It's Official. My Blog is Brilliant.

Today, I got an email from a good friend. He lives in Colorado now and he follows this blog. I was so happy to hear from him because- hello? He said my blog was brilliant!

That is the ultimate compliment coming from a true friend. A true friend whom I also respect because he is funny, witty and honest. Thank you, true friend in Colorado.. named Chris Fic.

This morning, I was up early and felt like a Mom Marine. I was getting more shit done than- the usual shit I get done.. before 6 AM!

I went to the gym to address Operation 150 for the day and was then on my way to the liquor store when... I saw the Bagels 4 U shop was open.  ZOMG... I had to stop. Because.. starving. Open bagel shop? Must stop.

I ordered a breakfast bagel sandwich and then while they were making it- it ocurred to me. WTF are you doing? It's Thanksgiving! I have an 80 ton ham waiting for me to cook and eat. And mashed potatoes. And stuffing and ... nevermind.

Speaking of cooking ..

Yesterday, I cooked a 13 lb. turkey in advance. You can do this if you A. Have a 20 lb ham to cook the following day and-  B. If you have some kind of awesome gravy that doctors up a pre-cooked mummified turkey.

I followed the directions exactly and when I took my turkey out .. it looked like a a crispy frozen tight mummy. Like pieces of old carpet patched together on the skeleton of a bird. No lie. I was all f**k! What the hell am I gonna do with crispy mummy meat? Patch the stained carpet in my apartment? Pour awesome gravy all over it and hope people are scared to say anything?

I'm going with the latter.

Because it's Thanksgiving.. and because I'm a bit tipsy already- I'm allowed to phone this one in. I had big plans of giving you awesome recipes for mac and cheese and other things but I need a premature nap.

Trust me, it's for the best.

But, before I go-- I want to know. Did the cops come to anyone's house yet? How did you cope with your aunt/uncle _______________ (fill in the blank)?? Did your grandmother's house have wi-fi? Dial up even? WTF.

Sometimes, it's truly awesome when the cops come to your NEIGHBOR'S house on Thanksgiving.. drama you can truly enjoy.

I will end today's post on a positive note.. Thanksgiving overeating probably leads to:  less skinny jeans.. for at least 2 weeks! Hah!

--------------

tags: Whatchya gonna do when they come for you? Bad- boys, Bad-boyysss..     Hangovers aren't awesome.















 

Dysfunction Defined.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow.

I have a shit-ton of things to run around and get/clean/do- so this post might not be as splendid as my usual bloggy splendidness.

What does Thanksgiving mean to you? To me?

To me, it means giving thanks for all the things in life that make me happy and life less difficult.

Things like children's dvd's, portable dvd players to play them ANYWHERE we go, TARGET! (I have an unhealthy Target addiction. I also vacation there).. Feather down pillows, alcohol and Chinese food.. Pre-cooked spiral hams...Let's not forget Clonidine!

What does Thanksgiving mean to most people?

I think it means going to a family members house that you see only once a year. Where all your relatives you try to forget about show up with every personality and attitude of the rainbow. This is why we have to sit around and say all the things we are grateful for so we can cope with the internal burning desire we feel to argue, punch, kick and get in our cars and drive home as fast as we can just to get away from them. There's always a "weird uncle" that everyone wants their kids to stay away from. It's like the elephant in the room. Every family has one of these- I promise.

In about 364 days, you will have forgotten how bad it is and you will do it all over again. Hah!

There's always football monopolizing the TV that all the passive aggressive husbands gather around like they're in a support group. And maybe they are.

There's usually another tv somewhere that is small and shitty and all the adults try to force their kids with ADHD to sit in front of it to watch THE PARADE. OMG, I'd rather cut my throat with a rusty knife than suffer through this parade. I think it's more insufferable now than ever. 

Nowadays, you gotta come better than that people. The house better have freaking wi-fi or some video games. If you have kids & your grandmothers house has wi-fi, you at are less risk for a DUI. That's how I see it.

All of your aunts, uncles and cousins will be there with their unruly kids, running around saying "I'm hungry. I'm bored"  -995 times and no one listens to them. "Go play outsiiiide! Go watch the PARADE!"

Yeah, ok.

The alpha female of the group will boss everyone around and tell everyone how to cook everything and someone always carves the turkey up like something you saw on "The First 48".

Soon, many people will be drunk and either much easier to be around or- much worse. This is the part where even the most perfect uptight people in the world must face that they indeed come from a dysfunctional family too. Good times.

Also- don't you hate it when people say Happy Turkey Day? Instant punch to the throat. No regrets.

There will be none of that at my house this year. Just happy drunks enjoying wine and drama free good times. Aren't you happy I'm not coming to your house this year?

The End.

------------

*tags: DUI, Parades Suck, Dread

 

I Know a Rock You Could Hide Under..Forever.

Yesterday, I was the voice of the People- taking a proper stand against skinny jeans and calling for their immediate extinction. Skinny jeans have such a special place of hatred in my heart- that today's post was actually the other half of yesterdays- except I felt the public outcry for help with the extinction deserved its own.

So, here is the rest of the list of people, places and things that I find particularly annoying. Because every once in a while, you just gotta get this stuff off your chest..

Nancy Grace: OMG, most annoying woman on the planet. Talks over any and everyone who might have a point, swoons over people who have an IQ below 25 who compliment her on how cute her twins are. NOT. Vile, vindictive and when I think that someone actually married and had sex with her.. I want to throw up in my own mouth. Twice.

Donald Trump: How can someone with so much brains have so much stupidity that somehow co-exist on a plane that teeters on paranoid schizophrenic and financial genius? Just, how? This guy has seriously lost his shit. His public obsession and comments about Obama as well his twitter feed have become fodder for even the most skilled psychiatrists. Someone please get this man some help. And a better weave.

Karl Rove: See Donald Trump.

Anyone That Does Zumba: Is this a glorified Macarena that assists those with no real rhythm and combines it with people who should not be wearing spandex?  Is this Flashdance/Fame meets Puerto Rico in the 80's? And 90's and.. now?  What is this? It's so incredibly painful to watch. So, I don't.

Joe Francis: Total tool. Urban Dictionary definition of "this guys a total tool" was created because Joe Francis exists. Enough said.

Pregnant People: Dear Pregnant People, Newsflash: You are not special. Being pregnant does not come with a license to become an attention whore! Stop wearing stupid shirts with large bows* and rubbing your stomachs and acting as if your holding a baby that is actually already in your arms. Enough with the pregnant PDA. The world will not lay down coats over mud puddles for you because chivalry IS DEAD and you're just like the rest of us. In fact, in 9 months, you will be one of "us" again except you will be even more unspecial because you're now at home with a wrecked body, screaming infant, in crusty sweatpants and tee shirt covered in vomit. Real special.


Mitt Romney: This guy gives me the serious creeps. The only words I can use to describe the cause behind that are stoic robotic puppet, glassy empty souless eyes, waxy weirdo Mormon required smile. Imagine if he won, people? I might have started to believe in Armageddon afterall.

 

Honorable Mentions: Chris Christie, Joan Rivers, THE KARDASHIANS, Dora the Explorer, Jersey Shore Cast, Giada DeLaurentiis, Tom Cruise, Rod Blagovich, Kobe Bryant, Rosie O'Donnell, Kanye West, and Cody Brown (from sister wives-because he's a giant d-bag whose not really famous enough for everyone to know him by name but famous enough of a d-bag that you will know him just because of that)..

Does anyone want to add to the list? Feel free to comment below..

--------------------------

*Gina pointed this out. And I thought- yeah they do wear stupid shirts with bows. WHY? Stop it people. You are not a giant present.

 

F**k You, Skinny Jeans!

There's something I've been meaning to blog about. This topic- eventually got me to thinking about other related topics.. Which I will save for another post. But--

SKINNY JEANS.

OMG, I hate skinny jeans with the passion & fury of 10,000 burning suns that burst into a supernova!

I don't care what anyone says! Skinny jeans are stupid, ugly, do NOT make anyone look "skinny"- EVER.

Skinny jeans are a crime of fashion that did not look good in 1984.. And they do not look good now. What the hell is wrong with people?

Who is doing this to us? Why? What is next? Stone/acid washed skinny jeans? I CAN'T ..

Please someone make them stop.

The only thing that is worse than skinny jeans on a woman is skinny jeans on a MAN.

                               CREEPIEST. THING. EVER.

 

 

CAUTION: Skinny jeans can seriously handicap a persons gaydar.

 

Not manly. Loss of masculinity- for life. Even if you only tried them on.

Once.

I kept waiting and hoping and -almost even praying- that skinny jeans would die a hard and fast death. But Noooooo! They're just getting started with this horrid trend. Now it's skinny jeans in obnoxious colors, skinny jeans with zippers and chains & a Mr. T starter kit.

And what's with the belt? They're so incredibly tight and awkward and .. wrong. Someone please explain the need for a belt?

 

 

 

Holy crap. Please stop the bleeding.

 

If you for any reason think this looks somewhat ok or even good, maybe you should consider having your head examined.

I've asked around. I'm not alone in this. Half of the world is on the edge of their seats waiting for skinny jeans to become the red headed step child to - who the f**k knows what.. Parachute pants!?

Get a grip people. Get a mirror. Skinny jeans are the worst epidemic that ever happened to fashion. Followed by parachute pants. So, naturally.. They're up next.

Wait for it.. It's coming. I promise.

 

-------------------------------------

 

 

*tags: douchebaggery, homicidal inducing rampage, why are you doing this to us?

 

A Different Kind of Hard.

People who know me know my situation. And my situation is that I work part time- a lot of it from home and on evenings and weekends when I have help from my husband to watch Shane. We don't have any help from family, so we are generally exhausted, irritable and take turns giving each other a break to try to enjoy life outside of this twilight zone.

After Shane was born, I didn't go back to work full time as planned. Fast forward to almost 2 yrs later- after I succumbed to sleep deprivation and accepted it as my new reality, I decided that I could try to go back to work part time.

This was made possible because I have an awesome boss who understands and might even actually like me.

I have good days and bad days as a stay at home mom. (I kinda can't believe I own that title)..

Some days, I feel like I am rocking the shit out of this gig. I am up, showered, dishes done, diapers changed, laundry in motion, taking Shane to the park and dinner is planned and prepped before 3:00..

Other days, I'm a greasy haired sea hag, who crawled out of a cave, living in pajamas, stepping and stumbling over toys, blocks and shit..letting my kid watch every dvd we have in rotation just so I can stare at walls in a vegetative state for awhile. I am also pretty sure I'd get more sleep in jail somewhere.

On these days- I can't seem to accomplish much more than finding all of the goddamned remote controls I need to keep these dvds in heavy rotation.

Admittedly, I sometimes have to crack beers or pop corks at noon because I am a firm believer that cracking beers once in a while before 5 pm is healthier than a 24/7 Xanax addiction. Am I right?

On the flip side-I know that I'm an awesome mom because I have tons of patience for him, I always put him first and so on. I have no lack of confidence in my awesome mom status. I do however lack some confidence in my current MILF status.. Just sayin.

I mean- There's a reason why I'm still in pajamas with tomato seeds all over them at 3:00 in the afternoon..and why I cannot manage to look a step above a crusty sea hag who you suspect might clean up nice if she tried..

It's because being a mom is f***ing HARD people.

It's hard when your new couches are all stained and your walls look like someone tried to climb out of a well with crayons in their hands and you haven't seen adult TV in 3 yrs.. It's hard to pack up a bag that feels like you're being deployed to Iraq when all you're doing is taking your kid to the goddamned doctor.

It's even harder when you're doing it on 4 hours or less of sleep a night.

Sometimes I just need to aimlessly walk around Target alone or sit in my car and people watch in that same vegetative state. Anywhere I can find silence with no demands from my child who is "Little Mr. Demanding"- ALL THE TIME.

That's my idea of a vacation these days. In the words of one of my idol mom bloggers:

Futility completes me. 
 
Most of us as parents have been here. I once naively asked my sister Debbie, "When does this shit get any easier?"

She said, "uhmmm.. It doesn't. It just turns into.. a different kind of hard."

Me in my head: GASP!  Nooooo!! Lie to meee....

That might have been the most insightful thing to ever come out of Debbie's mouth. It also may be the last. LOL. Oops, sorry Deb.

I still have hope for you, Debbie. After all, you have given me golden advice. The shitty and hard to accept kind at the time.. But golden.

As a result, her 15 minutes of Socrates fame has been forever burned into my memory. Thank you, Debbie.

So, I ask you- anyone.. As a parent.. When did you think things got any easier? Did they ever? Did you ever crack beers at noon to cope once in a while? What kind of beer?

These are questions I need answers to. Especially the last one..

Shane on top of some blocks.. about to climb onto the table.. On the back up set of Sanford and Son.. AKA our living room..

 

Cellulite is STILL the New Black.

Hello Internet Friends!

This is day #3 of my "post a blog every day for 30 days"... You don't think I can do this shit, do you? Hah!

SO-

I'm trying to get back down to 150 lbs. I know, scary. Scary that that even seems ideal to me right now.

Operation 150 lbs. - in full effect.

I started back at the gym a few months ago after an almost 3 year hiatus bc I have a toddler who is still on sleep strike.

Is it a problem that I'm now fatter then I was AFTER I had a child? Uhmm, yes- it is.

It is because my inner thighs rubbing together is a fire hazard. And because I can't fit into any of my clothes. And because I'm starting to resemble my mother. Oops, Sorry mom! (My mom is much slimmer now so I'm allowed to say that, I think)..

It's not like I have my face shoved into a container of Chinese food daily- it's maybe because I don't get enough sleep.. And that leads to weight gain.. And to skipping the gym. And getting older.. and.. anything else I can think of to blame it on.

I know it doesn't seem like a lot of weight to some people. But I'm talking about needing to lose about 10 lbs of fat. When you're muscle turns to fat- it can sometimes be an optical illusion.

Until you try to sprint somewhere. Which for me- is not often.

Have you ever felt some part of your fat move in a separate direction than the rest of you when you tried to run somewhere? Yeah, that.

Gravity's a bitch.

It's a really shrek-ish feeling and just.. Oh shit- totally awful and gross. I kinda want to go on strike about having to be in my own skin. Except- I can't.

F**K. - is what I say to myself.

Well, guess what?

I'M BACK, BITCHES!

I rejoined the gym. It feels like a small piece of my old life has been revived- which has been DOA for quite some time.

I never thought I'd still be telling you that cellulite is the new black. Or that after over 17 years straight of working out regularly, that I would think even getting down to 150 lbs would make me happy. Because holy hell, it really would.

I am about 152 lbs now. After I hit 150, I will reward myself and stuff my face with chicken lo mein and then begin Operation 145 lbs.

Rinse, repeat. I will post every sordid detail.

Slow and steady wins the race!

While back at the gym, I saw some people both inspired and- threatend me. I saw people who looked SO much more fit than me.. And people who looked - so much more like.. shrek than me. On one hand, I was all "I gotta get my game back to look somewhat like these skinny bitches in here. "

On the other- I was all "omg, I'm so happy I don't look like THAT.." That was the one who threatened me. Threatened me with graduating to the plus size section of life in the store.

It's like being sent to the corner- of life.

I think I'm really somewhere in between. It's really not so bad yet, except, I really can't afford all new clothes. And I'm tired of feeling like I have a torniquets on my legs instead of jeans. I don't like the cognitive dissonance I feel when my fat moves in the opposite direction of the rest of me when I jog. That's just.. WRONG. 

Is anyone with me here? Tell me about your struggles, your cellulite induced cognitive dissonace or where the hell you sprint to.. Something.

DE-LURK people!

I think for now I will spare you a picture.. because I'm sure you don't want to see proof the cellulite is the new black.. In my world anyway.

So, in the words of Tim Gunn.. Carry on folks!


 

This One Time.. at Band Camp..

I still have a Blackberry.

I know. I knowww..

BUT! It's a newer BB. Does that make it less.. archaic?

I guess I am sort of an old piece torn from the Crackberry cloth.. That cloth has been worn thin fast and furiously in the last couple of months. People look at me like it's a VCR.

Embarrassing.

Why!? People ask. I don't know- exactly. I guess bc I'm used to it, I know it inside and out. I love having a tangible keyboard. I'm part of a dying breed? Because I belong somewhere?

With that said- I like to believe I am technologically savvy.. So this doesn't explain why I haven't gone to the Iphone... I also still haven't gotten "Easy Pass" .. But I digress.

I was at work the other day and I asked someone to borrow a charger for my Blackberry. Three people looked at me and simultaneously said "You STILL have a Blackberry!?"

Public scorn!

So I am now breaking up with my BB. I'm gonna cross over into the land of the cool people. Like in high school, all over again. People with Blackberries go to band camp- so I'm told. *

So tell me people. When did you ditch your BB? (If you ever had one). Do you have an Iphone? What kind of phone should I get and why? Do you want to help me pay for it?

Lol.

*Btw, I went to band camp in 1989. There were no Blackberries then. However! There were VCR's.. And band camp? Omg, it's JUST like it is in American Pie. I cringed when I first saw that movie because I am living proof that it must be based on a true story..

 

How did I get a picture of my Blackberry when my camera is IN my Blackberry? Oh- simple. I took it with the newest VCR model that I have.. which also comes with a camera! HAH!

 

A Blog Post a Day for 30 Days..

Hello Internet Friends,

I have been inspired and challenged by another internet friend to participate in this thing called a blog post a day for 30 days for the month of November. Plus, Gina says Yes! Do it! I think that's what she said.

Except- I'm 15 days late. HOWEVER! No fear! I can start today.. And I will blog each day til December 15th.

And then not again for 2 years. LOL.. Maybe it's bc no one pays me. YET.

What will I write about? I'm thinking it will be a mix of interesting topics such as things that happen in my awesome life, some stuff I cook, pictures and videos of my son, Shane...random topics of spectacular wit and candor! Splendid. What? You can't wait? I knew it.

So, I will try to bring the funny and less boring.

Are you with me? If you are- and even if you're really not- instead of buying me tons of Christmas gifts, you could like - show some support by commenting, answering some of my "get you to read my blog" questions and just your opinionated commentary. Afterall, I'm not talking to just anyone! I'm talking to YOU my internet friends.

And like, I'm still thinking of monetizing this bloggedity blog thing... so I need to see if anyone gives a crap about what I have to say. Even though I'm still trying to decide if I really even do..

This will be an even bigger challenge for the less than functional lately person such as me- bc if you look at my blog history- I haven't been able to post a blog every 30 days for years.. nevermind a blog a day in 30 days!

Some of this is because I'm tired of no adult conversation. So, this might make me feel like I'm talking to yay-  ADULTS! or whatever. We will see.

Ready, set.. GO!








 

Long car rides are not for sissys!

 

 

"Look Ma, no hands!"

We made it back from VA. Barely.

Here is a picture of Shaney with his Granny Corley.

Question: When a child is able to hold a bottle in his mouth with his TEETH- are they too old for a bottle? Uh huh. Try telling HIM that! This is a whole other subject for us. We are working on it- but.. I digress.

Because we are alive, our trip is  considered a success. An experience in the back seat of the car with an almost 3 yr old for about 8 hours can be summed up by a few words: caged animal, stupid idea, hell, OMFG ARE WE THERE YET!?,.. claustrophobia anyone?

We stayed in a nice little hotel that had a shopping center nearby so I was free to run back and forth to the Dollar General type store in an attempt to find objects/toys to entertain Shane for another 15 minutes. Also,there was a big grocery store there they call Food Lion that HELLO? SELLS ALCOHOL. Genius. Love you Food Lion! See you again soon! I know here in NJ, most supermarkets do not sell alcohol bc you have to have some designer priced liquor license (shocking!) and there has been some kind of legislation recently to try to get this allowed but all the greedy liquor store owners here don't want that bc then- yay! cheap wine and beer for all! So, that was one small highlight of the trip. Love convenience. xo

We didn't do much other than try to take Shane to a BBQ at my sister Debbie's house. That didn't work out so well. Shane was a lil too excited and we had to leave. We took him to his great-grannies house too- where he proceeded to destroy all her red geraniums pulling the red tops off one by one. My grandmother kept saying, "oh, that's alrighhht" but inside, I know she was having a goddamned heart attack. We left there too after all the geraniums were gone. Since we got home, if Shane sees any type of red flower, he makes it his personal mission to go and behead them at ONCE. I have had to endure many a detour on outings in his jogger since this..

My sister in-law, Cristina was very gracious and understanding too. She disassembled 1,495 knick knacks, tchotckies and glass figurines my mom had in her house just so that Shane could come over and run free. That made me so happy. We were able to relax there a little more. My mom came to the hotel also and spent time with Shane there since he's better in his own environment. That and the help of DVD's of Yo Gabba Gabba, Baby Einsein and Wonderpets are my only saving graces in life right now.

I will post some recent pictures.. bc everyone loves cute baby pictures. And yes, I still call him a baby. I'm allowed to bc he still doesn't f*cking sleep through the night..

Shane loves red things. He loves to carry them. All day...

"I think this sticker would look better... HERE!"

 

 

"So glad to be back home.. in my parents prison chair.."

 

This is a picture from earlier this year, at Aunt Amber's house..

 

"Ma, can we get a yard like this?"  Yes, son. As soon as you pay off mommy and daddys student loans with your first big modeling contract...

 

"Ma, take me past the geraniums.. pleeeeeease..?"

 

"I guess I'll just have to play with these stupid rocks then.."

 

 

"Maybe when she's not looking, I'll make a run for some geraniums.."

 

Everyone eats chicken in bed, what's the problem?

 

And takes baths in a giant plastic tub. In their living room. Nothing to see people. Move along..

 

Guess who??

 

Time to get back to work now... Thanks to everyone in my family for having us, putting up the yellow caution tape for us, cooking and giving up the geraniums. Also, thank you to Food Lion, for selling alcohol. Couldn't have done it without any of you! You are loved.

 

xoxoxo