Buying Accessories is the Answer to Having a Fat Day

Today I went into a thrift store near my gym which closed too early on me.

This thrift store? Is new.

It's a new store-that carries.. old clothes.


Nothing wrong with that and all- just- I wish it didn't smell like a dirty laundry quarry.

Have you ever noticed how the jeans in thrift shops are never washed? And they stink! Who does this- brings stinky worn jeans into thrift shops to consign?

Apparently, most people do.


Shame on you. 

However, no worries, I'm too fat still to try on jeans.. Because THAT my friends?  Is a motivation killer.


No thank you.

So what did I do? Looked at the accessories. Accessories are always an option.. They are never tight and don't make you look fat.

 

 

Accessories are every ones friend.

I bought a pink handbag that is super cute and was a fraction of the cost of the designer price.

I will never knock a thrift shops hustle. In my opinion, there is no handbag worth more than $100 or no pair of jeans worth more than $50.. And I don't even pay that.

If you do, I feel kind of sorry for you. Because you're probably wearing the same two pairs all year.

And if I am talking to you?  Please, pleeease don't  f***ing forget to WASH THEM.

 

 

 

My Name May Have Been Miranda In Another Life

I should probably be riding my exercise bike while typing this right now.

Because dinner?

 

Chicken Lo Mein !

 

I haven't had lo mein in over a month.

That in itself is victory and tragedy- at war.

 

Notice the picture is a bit blurry on the edges. LOLZ. This is from my greasy fingers that somehow got on the lens of the camera.. Was rushing here- I'm sure you understand.

 

Earlier, I sat here pondering what I would order and of course ended up with-- THE SAME THING.

 

All too often, I have felt JUST LIKE THIS:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6HEltZvVfo

 

It has actually HAPPENED TO ME. I'm not lying. Sometimes I make DC call the food in now. Oh, the shaming of my social life.

 

But- the video? I'm seriously starting to see the resemblance here. It scares me yet - makes me feel somewhat not alone at the same time.

 

Love me some Miranda.

 

Later, I opened my fortune cookie to find:

 

 

Really? Magnanimous? Me??

 

I wasn't so sure, so I went back to my BFF Google and found out that:

 

 

 

 

 



This is what I decided:

 

If Magnanimous is the first definition, it can't be me.

 

BUT!!

 

If it's really more like the second one- I'm totally down. Actually, I love the way it describes me. LOL! Who could have said that shit any better?

 

BTW- Wikitionary, I'm sure you're totally accredited, trustworthy and vetted. I love you.

 

 

 

 

  

Robbing a Bank is Totally Okay- If It's for a Good Cause

Yesterday, while at the gym.. while in the midst of addressing Operation 150 lbs- I was texting with my friend, Gina.

Just because there aren't words to describe the FUNNY that our conversations are.. I will just post the texts here for you to see for yourself. IDK.. maybe you had to be there??

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Me: ok, I'm at the gym.

Me: Now, say something to make me go inside.

Me: I am so hungry. This is going to be painful.

Me: Might have to heal my wounds w burger king afterwards  and mop up my ugly cried tears with their napkins

Gina: Lol if you must

Me: Just started cardio.. 30  to go

Me: There's this cycling class going on near me- the instructor is shouting like a military officer

Me: And she's singing the words to the songs

Me: Loud!

Me: In between commands

Me: Why does this always happen to me? Annoying

Gina: Ha!! Out Loud!! Omg

Me: yessss

Me: Thankfully, I have my MOSE to block it all out.. (Mose= cheap giant imitation Bose headphones purchased at Five Below store- renamed by Gina)..

Gina: What song?

Me: IDK Something I have never heard before

Gina: Omg why you?

Me: She's singing "let's see how far you can go!"  Sounds like a giant idiot

Me: I heard her from the locker room and i said oh god, noooooooo

Me: And some lady heard me and started LOL.. guess she agreed

Me: I can't believe I'm here.. how did I get here again?

Me: Bc I'm fat?

Me: And Operation 150 became Operation Damage Control?

Me: Til 2015?

Me: Is it a problem that I can feel my stomach touching other parts of me while biking?

Me: How can I turn this into fuck this shit- Operation Tummy Tuck?

Me: Cause If I have to rob a bank- I'm ok with that

Me: No one will recognize me since I never go out and I'm fat now

Me: Just saying

Me: 17 mins down

Me: This must go on my blog

Me: Now I'm angry, fat, hungry annnd sweaty

Me: Part of my Awesome Life

Gina: You should sing

Me: I would but--

Me: It would torture me too.

Me: My singing? Makes my crying look beautiful

Me: worst singer ever

Me: No lie

Me: Hurts me

Me: Even DC is like OMG please- don't sing

Me: LMAO

Me: So I eat instead

Gina: "Let's hear it for the boys!!"

Me: I'm a very skilled eater

Me: 25 mins down

Gina: Living on a prayer!!

Gina: Pump pump the jam!

Me: OMG No.

Me: Wannted.. Dead or Aliiivve..

Me: 27 Down

Me: 1 minute to go

Gina: you did it!

Me: Done

Me: OMG- I can't believe I did it

Gina: Take my hand, and you'll make it I swear !!!

-------------------

Uhm... was this a one-sided conversation?

Damn Gina, you talk too much!











 

Dirty Kitchen = Awesome Cook. Naturally.

Today I was feeling ambitious. I guess you can say I was also feeling nauseated.

Because of Uhhhmm..

THIS:

This? Is the grease and I'm not sure what else- that has corroded the hood over my gas stove.

Is this proof that I am an awesome regular cook who fires up flame throwing things like cherries jubilee and blackened salmon??

Or- a very lazy ass, selectively blind person - who hates to clean?

Could it be both?

I tried to wipe it off with a sponge and some dish detergent but it came back at me with a LOL, yeah-ok.

So, I had to go to my other BFF, Google to do a quick search on how to say  **** you! to this grease.

Google says vinegar, baking soda and.. grease!

Yes, more grease.

Grease? It apparently gets off "other" grease.

I started with the vinegar.

Then I was all- omg this smells like shit and I can't take it another second!

Because vinegar? It does smell like shit.

I was too lazy to dig to the back of the cabinet for the baking soda so that left me with the grease option. Good old canola oil.

One thing: Google didn't tell me it would take 700 hours.

So after what felt like 350, I stopped halfway.

Now, half of the stove hood looks like this:

Still pretty nauseating, depending on which side you're standing on, right?

Then, I cleaned the counters and the stove top itself because that is easier and faster and brings visible results with like- baby wipes alone.

I was feeling all "June Cleaver" except..

THE REST OF THE HOUSE.

My solution to this cognitive dissonance?

I put a (ok 47) dvd on in the "nook" I created for Shane on the far side of the kitchen.. It has our old crappy tv and a dvd player and his old crib mattress on the floor..We just stayed in the kitchen so we wouldn't have to look at the rest of the place for awhile.

Denial can work for you.. if you know how to work it.

I do need a cleaning lady. I admit it. I'm not showing you close ups of the floor or my laundry quarry that is filled to the top..

But I will say this: At least we always have on clean underwear!





















 

The Holiday Sweater Is Not Your Friend

Let's talk for a moment about the holiday sweater.

If you own a Christmas sweater, I'm talking specifically to you.

Just..WHYYYY!??

What is it about these craptastic things that you like? What goes through your mind as you're trying it on and looking at yourself in a 1980's sweater- that has a giant Rudolf plastered across the front with jingle bells and red balls and crap hanging all over it? They have Christmas scenes and snowmen and presents and..

It's like the sweater that threw up on itself.

Is the front is having a Christmas graffiti contest against the back?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not even the most stylish black person can not make a holiday sweater acceptable. Epic. Fail.

The only thing worse than the holiday sweater - is a pregnant person wearing one- with a giant 3-D bow, red skinny jeans, sitting on couch wrapped up in a Snuggie.

Do aliens come down to Earth, kidnap humans and make them wear holiday sweaters?

W. T. F. ??

Put that shit back on the rack and step SLOWLY away from the holiday sweater..

Do they make Christmas Snuggies? Omg, they probably do. I can't even look.

Awesomely cringeworthy.



The only holiday sweaters considered acceptable:

 

 The End.

 

 

 

 

Paula Deen Has a Potty Mouth & I Love It

Do you like watching The Food Network?

I used to love it.. Then I kind of started getting sick of it.. Then I became more and more nauseated with it..


Now? I can barely stomach 3 minutes of it.

There's only so many times I can:

Hear Ina Garten telling me to use the "Good" vanilla.

Look at the state of Bobby Flay's fingernails while he pours honey all over spicy things.

Look, watch, listen to Giada De Laurentiis tell me about her "creamy" concoctions while acting absolutely perfect and never making a mess in the kitchen. EVER.

Stomach Mario Batali? Talented man, great recipes. Also? Huge ass ego, disgusting attire, creepy orange crocs & smile.. So- I watch on mute- with remote on standby.

I want to give you a recipe for a good basic red sauce.. Because I believe that most people are intimidated by it- but a basic red sauce for pasta dishes is simple and like a foundation you can build on. It's super easy and anyone can do it.

Basic Red Sauce

2 large cans of diced tomatoes (plain, without spices bc those taste horrid)

4 or more cloves of sliced fresh garlic

About 3-4 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil

2 tablespoons of butter
1/2 teaspoon (or more) cayenne pepper

1/2 teaspoon (or more) of red pepper flakes

1/2 cup (or more) of chopped fresh basil

Salt & pepper to taste

Directions:

Saute the sliced garlic in heated live oil and melted butter over medium-high heat til lightly brown.. Stir it continuously so it doesn't burn.

Add tomatoes and stir.

Then add the cayenne and red pepper flakes, salt and pepper. I like to add about 1 tsp of kosher salt and adjust with more if needed.

Let simmer for about 15 mins on low heat stirring occasionally.

Add basil at the end as you turn the heat off.

Other things to try adding are:

Parmesan cheese
Kalamata olives
Bacon Anchovies
Sausage or cooked meatballs
Smoked cheese to top the pasta

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I made different variations of this and we have it with linguine or any other pasta.

This is a base recipe that you can add things to and make up your own. It's so simple to make a fast an awesome red sauce. So, just wanted to share that with you.

I also want to share something funny. Hilarious, actually.

If you know Paula Deen- and have watched her show, you will find this so funny. I swear I almost peed my pants and then I went on to watch parts 2 and 3.. (which I recommend).. And then? I didn't get this crap up to my blog til midnight!

I can't even put the effort into trying to make this funny like I wanted to because my son is STILL up, hanging on my legs and trying to slam the keyboard with fists of fury..



Click here for hilarity:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsGXOrP4iEQ

OMG, I loved this.


Also funny:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rH6SzO0H_8&playnext=1&list=PLC36A34F292274562&feature=results_video



 

"A" for Effort.

I have a situation right now.

It involves the fact that I am trying to post to my blog a half pre-written entry and finish the rest while I'm here..

BUT!!

(Yeah with the BUT!! -again)

My lap top power cord is in the other room where my son is sleeping.. and I'm kind of not supposed to be blogging right now, because I'm supposed to be sleeping.. (a whole other story).. quite possibly a future entry..

SOooo, my BFF, Gina said I am allowed to tell you all that I cannot complete my blog tonight and MAYYYBEEE I will blog two entries tomorrow.

Maybe.

Damn, the pressure.

I am technically still in this game.. I am not a quitter folks..

I will make this shit up to you.

This entry is proof that I am trying.

I promise- I am.

I will make it to December 15th - and beyond.. because of you, Professor Treadwell.

Thanks, you douche.

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Maybe I Should Have Been a Math Tutor?

Good Evening Internet Friends..

 

My brilliance tank is on empty right now. I worked all day..

But!

 

Here's my brilliant son.. Learning to count.

 

That is what I call this.

And stack.. and create patterns..

These are the foundations of like- algebra and physics people.

 

What? What's the problem?

Gotta start somewhere.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's the Little Things in Life, People..

Oprah's Shawn's Favorite Things..

I was reading about a promo for this years list of "Oprah's Favorite Things" .. Kind of nauseating in way that is- maybe my jealousy that I can't just come up with a yearly list of all the things I love and shower all my friends with them.. ?

If I could, I would. However- fair warning. My favorite things? Probably not on your average wish list. You may not want them if I tried..

Sriracha Hot Sauce

The spicy-sweet, garlicky-vinegary, all-purpose hot sauce that makes life worth living.

If you love spicy/hot things- and you haven't tried this gold in a bottle.. Your life is not complete.

Seriously. It's not.

I have been accused of Sriracha peer-pressure. I should probably be on the company payroll. I have even sent people home from my house with it. Try it, you'll like it. It's good for you. Capsasin increases metabolism. Sriracha is your friend. Your best one. You just don't know it yet.
    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Thank you to " The Oatmeal" for these pictures that describe this magic in a bottle so accurately. I couldn't have said it any better -because what doesn't taste better with Sriracha?




Asian Potstickers/Dumplings

I love going to Chinatown in Manhattan. The dumplings alone are enough to warrant that trek. Mandarin Court is awesome. Because I cannot get to Chinatown weekly, I have found these in the Asian Food Market in Piscataway.. They are delightful in a way that makes you hoard your food and not share with others. Ever.

Interesting fact: Dumplings are one of the best hangover foods known to man. It's salty, greasy, tasty, noodley goodness all in one small package.

Who gives a crap if it's mystery meat? I lie to myself about the origin of its parts and move happily along. You should too. Your mouth will thank you.



Old English Malt Liquor AKA: "OE"

Before you laugh, check yourself.

Generally, most malt liquor is nasty to me. BUT! I have an affinity for this beer. Perhaps you drank it in college? Perhaps you drank it when it was all you could afford? I drink it now because it's just so damn good.

I'm not a beer snob. I have an open beer mind. If you enjoy beer as well- and you haven't tried this splendid fizzy bubbly in a bottle- I don't think you will be sorry. Yeah, it's a little embarrassing buying beer in apothecary looking 40 oz glass bottles. But I think that's part of the aura. Something so incredibly cheap yet awesome- one of the best kept secrets of cheap but tasty beer.

Bonus! Much higher alcohol content.. Do I hear anyone complaining?



Red Wine

As long as it's not the cheap stuff. I can't drink that. If that's the only thing available, I don't even need a 12-step program. Pass the water.

Feel free to buy me a case of this instead of a Snuggie for Christmas. I will even share. I promise.



Glitter Nail Polish

I love shiny things in general. You should see my patent leather shoe collection. So when I discovered this nail polish, I was all ZOMG, MUST HAVE. And now I do!

It's by Essie and the color is called "Set in Stones" for anyone else out there who has a shiny addiction to fulfill.

 

Looks. Awesome.

You will need sandpaper and half gallon of pure acetone to get it off- but that's the price I'm willing to pay to have these sparkly little gems in my life. I can't be bothered to clean my bathroom on the regular, but I damn sure have an extra hour or two to apply and remove awesome shiny nail polish. Priorities, people.



Chicken Lo Mein

If I knew I was going to have my last meal in life, it would definitely have to be a quart of Chicken Lo Mein from a good Chinese take out joint. On which I would slather Sriracha and wash it down with a 40 Oz bottle of OE. Chinese noodles are just about one of the best things in life. Plus, I can afford them. Even better.

Heaven in a wok.



Yo Gabba Gabba


Because these creepy characters exist, I can cook, clean, shower and work out. Shane loves them and I'm almost certain he thinks they are part of our family. I'm ok with that. They are very responsible babysitters. They have good manners and don't say craptastic things when they come to visit us. And they visit often. Like for four hours a day. They can come over for Thanksgiving anytime at my house.

 

 

 

Meet our extended family...
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I have a few others on this list. But you don't want me to go on and on about kalamata olives, hummus, toasted sesame oil, Lebanese chicken shawarma and Nissen Soups do you?

Why is most of my list about food? Is this why I still haven't successfully completed Operation 150? Maybe I'm just aiming too high?


I think I might have a serious problem..


 

Technical Difficulties.

Hello Internets..

I had prewritten half of a two part post that was going to be posted today and the other half tomorrow.

I typed them from my Blackberry .. (I knowwww..)  - and I'm having difficulty loading it from the server.

I will post both parts tomorrow - to make up for the lack of something today..

I'm sorry Internet Friends.. some shit is just beyond my control.

Check back on Friday (tomorrow).. I have a post all ready for you!

xoxo