It's my crib and I'll sleep if I WANT to..

ok my son is asleep right now and i actually got him to lay in his CRIB..let's see how long this lasts..don't get all assholey on me if this post sucks or seems random because my mind is on the amazingness and disbelief that my son is napping in a CRIB right now, bc honestly? he just doesn't get down like that.

this is sort of like when your child takes his/her first steps, says their first words, things like that.. for us, it is anyway because my son thinks his crib is his nemesis. it's actually bc his acid reflux isn't fighting gravity when i'm not stoically, mother of the yearly, holding him uprightly in a recliner all exhaustedly and stuff.. and btw, i'm really tired of doing this, have i ever mentioned that? ok, good.

we have been giving the crib a test run here and there since all the amazing doctors we have dragged him to have told us that he will start showing signs that he MIGHT grow out of this horrid condition around this time. no signs yet, even though every morning at 3 am when he's digging his nails into my head and vomiting on me as i bump into walls walking him around-- i ask god to show me them, even if they are not in the form of baby behavior..but so far, gods been on vacation, hates me or- ok, i won't even go there..

it takes so long to get to him sleep that when we go to try to put him down in his crib, i feel like i'm walking around hidden land mines in my living room..i'm like playing russian roulette wondering if he will wake up and will i be pissed that i didnt just hold him up and let him sleep-you know, like letting sleeping dogs lie..bc i wont even tell you the routines we have to go through to get him to sleep..i mean, it doesn't involve drugs-but i'd wager to say it's something pretty close to that.. what? what's the problem?

so i haven't been this great, stellar blogger (yet) bc for one, it's very hard to steal wireless internet when the only signal you get is when you hang your body halfway out your 3rd story apt window..and secondly, well, i'm ****ing tired. it's hard to balance your 30 minutes of free time in this new life with the option of blogging and/or sleep.

ok, he's still asleep, but when cujo wakes up, i will have to finish this post while fending off sticky sweet potato fingers and typing with one hand..so if it starts looking a little hooked on phonics here soon-don't judge people.

so what's new? hmm.. well, i got a massage the other day! my wonderful other half scheduled me one for my birthday- yeah that's right-if you're reading this right now, and you forgot- it WAS MY BIRTHDAY ON MAY 14th..not that it matters but anyway--back to the massage..

when i got there, the lady who says she's giving me the massage takes me to this little room with a table made all up like a bed.. as soon as i see it, i think, omg, a bed, in a room, alone, with no baby...wait miss- i just remembered, i don't even really need a massage. i mean, just letting me lie on this table with the lights off in silence will do just fiiine. no, seriously, i don't even want to be bothered..just close the door now and...

ok, so that's what i was thinking but of course that's not happeneing. so while i'm getting the massage, of course i cannot relax bc i am a deadly combination of paranoid and anxious (with a little bit of spectacularly genius like brilliant moments thrown in here and there) -so all these things are going through my head. i'm wondering, omg- what's it like to have to touch peoples cellulite, what if people have back acne, what if people don't pumice their feet and what if-- on and on. of course, naturally i feel like asking her this but i feel compelled to play the role of silent customer-as it feels taboo to start asking questions like that- but of course, i'm still wondering..

speaking of cellulite- when she gets to my upper thigh area, i seriously almost broke the code of silence- i wanted to say to her, "i swear to god, i used to be in shape. i used to work out. i worked out for 17 YEARS STRAIGHT without ever taking a month off..my thighs weren't always like this.. see i had a baby and now i sleep in a chair and-- "

yeah, that.

i wanted to tell her that i'm not gross on purpose..that i take full responsibility for my cellulite but my hands are tied right now.. and believe me, it's killing me.

ok, i'm back..i decided i had to check shane's pulse bc there's no way that child is still asleep in that crib.. but he is.. what's it been, 20 minutes? miracle i tell you!

so when the massage was over, i told the lady that i wanted to stay-like overnight. hah! yes, i said this..thing is, i was serious. she offered to call my "husband" to tell him i'd be late and offered me to stay and have a nap..but i told her i couldn't, i had reality to get back to..and it was over way too fast. when i got into my car, i was envisioning myself driving off, thelma and louise style as if i didn't have a baby in a recliner to hurry home to-except i had no louise- and well, i want to drive to san diego, not off a cliff and i just don't even have enough gas money for that right now.

well folks, miracle is over..he's up..i guess i will try to come back later-like, you know- when i have something to actually say.. kthnxbi.