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Sunday, November 18, 2012

A Different Kind of Hard.

People who know me know my situation. And my situation is that I work part time- a lot of it from home and on evenings and weekends when I have help from my husband to watch Shane. We don't have any help from family, so we are generally exhausted, irritable and take turns giving each other a break to try to enjoy life outside of this twilight zone.

After Shane was born, I didn't go back to work full time as planned. Fast forward to almost 2 yrs later- after I succumbed to sleep deprivation and accepted it as my new reality, I decided that I could try to go back to work part time.

This was made possible because I have an awesome boss who understands and might even actually like me.

I have good days and bad days as a stay at home mom. (I kinda can't believe I own that title)..

Some days, I feel like I am rocking the shit out of this gig. I am up, showered, dishes done, diapers changed, laundry in motion, taking Shane to the park and dinner is planned and prepped before 3:00..

Other days, I'm a greasy haired sea hag, who crawled out of a cave, living in pajamas, stepping and stumbling over toys, blocks and shit..letting my kid watch every dvd we have in rotation just so I can stare at walls in a vegetative state for awhile. I am also pretty sure I'd get more sleep in jail somewhere.

On these days- I can't seem to accomplish much more than finding all of the goddamned remote controls I need to keep these dvds in heavy rotation.

Admittedly, I sometimes have to crack beers or pop corks at noon because I am a firm believer that cracking beers once in a while before 5 pm is healthier than a 24/7 Xanax addiction. Am I right?

On the flip side-I know that I'm an awesome mom because I have tons of patience for him, I always put him first and so on. I have no lack of confidence in my awesome mom status. I do however lack some confidence in my current MILF status.. Just sayin.

I mean- There's a reason why I'm still in pajamas with tomato seeds all over them at 3:00 in the afternoon..and why I cannot manage to look a step above a crusty sea hag who you suspect might clean up nice if she tried..

It's because being a mom is f***ing HARD people.

It's hard when your new couches are all stained and your walls look like someone tried to climb out of a well with crayons in their hands and you haven't seen adult TV in 3 yrs.. It's hard to pack up a bag that feels like you're being deployed to Iraq when all you're doing is taking your kid to the goddamned doctor.

It's even harder when you're doing it on 4 hours or less of sleep a night.

Sometimes I just need to aimlessly walk around Target alone or sit in my car and people watch in that same vegetative state. Anywhere I can find silence with no demands from my child who is "Little Mr. Demanding"- ALL THE TIME.

That's my idea of a vacation these days. In the words of one of my idol mom bloggers:

Futility completes me. 
Most of us as parents have been here. I once naively asked my sister Debbie, "When does this shit get any easier?"

She said, "uhmmm.. It doesn't. It just turns into.. a different kind of hard."

Me in my head: GASP!  Nooooo!! Lie to meee....

That might have been the most insightful thing to ever come out of Debbie's mouth. It also may be the last. LOL. Oops, sorry Deb.

I still have hope for you, Debbie. After all, you have given me golden advice. The shitty and hard to accept kind at the time.. But golden.

As a result, her 15 minutes of Socrates fame has been forever burned into my memory. Thank you, Debbie.

So, I ask you- anyone.. As a parent.. When did you think things got any easier? Did they ever? Did you ever crack beers at noon to cope once in a while? What kind of beer?

These are questions I need answers to. Especially the last one..

Shane on top of some blocks.. about to climb onto the table.. On the back up set of Sanford and Son.. AKA our living room..