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Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Dysfunction Defined.

Thanksgiving is tomorrow.

I have a shit-ton of things to run around and get/clean/do- so this post might not be as splendid as my usual bloggy splendidness.

What does Thanksgiving mean to you? To me?

To me, it means giving thanks for all the things in life that make me happy and life less difficult.

Things like children's dvd's, portable dvd players to play them ANYWHERE we go, TARGET! (I have an unhealthy Target addiction. I also vacation there).. Feather down pillows, alcohol and Chinese food.. Pre-cooked spiral hams...Let's not forget Clonidine!

What does Thanksgiving mean to most people?

I think it means going to a family members house that you see only once a year. Where all your relatives you try to forget about show up with every personality and attitude of the rainbow. This is why we have to sit around and say all the things we are grateful for so we can cope with the internal burning desire we feel to argue, punch, kick and get in our cars and drive home as fast as we can just to get away from them. There's always a "weird uncle" that everyone wants their kids to stay away from. It's like the elephant in the room. Every family has one of these- I promise.

In about 364 days, you will have forgotten how bad it is and you will do it all over again. Hah!

There's always football monopolizing the TV that all the passive aggressive husbands gather around like they're in a support group. And maybe they are.

There's usually another tv somewhere that is small and shitty and all the adults try to force their kids with ADHD to sit in front of it to watch THE PARADE. OMG, I'd rather cut my throat with a rusty knife than suffer through this parade. I think it's more insufferable now than ever. 

Nowadays, you gotta come better than that people. The house better have freaking wi-fi or some video games. If you have kids & your grandmothers house has wi-fi, you at are less risk for a DUI. That's how I see it.

All of your aunts, uncles and cousins will be there with their unruly kids, running around saying "I'm hungry. I'm bored"  -995 times and no one listens to them. "Go play outsiiiide! Go watch the PARADE!"

Yeah, ok.

The alpha female of the group will boss everyone around and tell everyone how to cook everything and someone always carves the turkey up like something you saw on "The First 48".

Soon, many people will be drunk and either much easier to be around or- much worse. This is the part where even the most perfect uptight people in the world must face that they indeed come from a dysfunctional family too. Good times.

Also- don't you hate it when people say Happy Turkey Day? Instant punch to the throat. No regrets.

There will be none of that at my house this year. Just happy drunks enjoying wine and drama free good times. Aren't you happy I'm not coming to your house this year?

The End.


*tags: DUI, Parades Suck, Dread