Okay, Now? My Blog Is Stalking Me.

I have 3 more posts to go to meet my 30 posts in 30 days challenge.

It has not been easy. Some nights, I'd rather have my face in a quart of chicken lo mein with 12 kids dvd's on heavy rotation than sit here trying to be brilliant for the masses. LOL. For Gina. I kind of feel like my blog is stalking me at this point.

What will happen after December 15th? Will you still come back and read? Are you lurkers ever gonna start making comments to let me know I need to keep coming back because you started looking forward to all the things I have to say?

On another note--

I am having a medical test tomorrow morning and so all day I have had do some fast that only allows me to eat plain chicken, eggs, white bread, white rice, potatoes, black coffee and water.

NOT allowed are dairy, vegetables, butter, seasonings, pasta, ALCOHOL...anything good.

I just ate my last meal which consisted of some eggs and a slice of bread with air spread on top.

Awesome.

Tomorrow this crap will be over with and I will march directly to the bagel shop and devour a bagel breakfast sandwich laden with hot sauce.. like putting salve on a wound..

Maybe this starvation I am experiencing has led my brain to dry up- hence, shitty blog post.

The fun police arrived and took my glory. Just for today. I swear tomorrow I'm gonna be back to my brilliant self.

And btw, did I tell you that the scale at the gym is broken? Yeah, it is because it says I weigh 150 lbs.. and like.. I just can't see how that happened.

I'm totally ok with it though because I do enjoy living in denial. It's what gets me from point A to point B most days. Denial can be your friend- if you let it.

AND!!

I finally shaved my legs today so tomorrows weigh in will be like... 149!

Definitely.

See you tomorrow.. I hope.




 

Gangnum Style. Sort of.

 

This is Shane dancing Gangnum Style.. his version.

 

Uhmm.. he left his chopsticks in the kitchen. And his napkin.

 

 

 

You need a little volume for these..

 

 

 

Click here for the adult version.. in case you don't know by now what Gangnum Style is..

I kind of wish I didn't.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bZkp7q19f0




 

I Have Ginsu Knives. There, I Admitted It.

Tonight I made these for dinner..

 

Spicy Asian Beef Kebabs

 

 

 

These are my own creation- sort of. Recipe to follow.

 

 I am under the gun to get this post up.. it's 11:28 pm.. my kid is NOT asleep and I'm still wiping crusty things off of the table and floor from his "wipe crusty things all over the house- all day" gig.

 

I had to reach into the back of my drawer for a new knife and I pulled this out:

 

 

 

A GINSU Knife!

 

Do you remember the Ginsu commercials? OMG. This knife must have been purchased via tv infomercial. I think I remember doing it.. if I'm honest.

 

This knife? Is about 20 years old- NO LIE.

 

I have never sharpened it. EVER.

 

I have to show you the commercial. Some one will have it on you tube..

 

YES!

 

This is IT. This is my knife.  1992.. I was right.

 

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-f9VBBdGbsM

 

 

How many of you remember this?

 

It was $29.95 back then.. Somehow, I'm thinking it would be cheaper now.

 

Also? I looked in my drawer and found the steak knives that go with this set. Even worse.

 

Do you think I can get these on the Antiques Roadshow?

 

Btw- If you want to make these Spicy Asian Beef Kebabs- Here's how I do it:

 

Marinate cubed beef in this (below) for 2 to 4 hours. I don't do overnight marinades when I marinate with soy sauce or vinegar because I find it breaks down the meat too much and it becomes mushy.

 

* Also- the secret here is to use RIBEYE STEAK.

 

Yeah, it's expensive. But it's SO WORTH IT.

 

5 tablespoons of grated FRESH ginger

4 tablespoons of toasted sesame oil (don't leave this out!)

4 or more tablespoons of Sriracha hot sauce

teaspoon or more of red chili flakes

1/2 cup of soy sauce

2 diced scallions

2 tablespoons of brown sugar or honey

4 tablespoons of rice wine vinegar (or white vinegar if that's all you have)

2 tablespoons of garlic powder (you can use fresh but the powdered works fine here)

handful of chopped cilantro

 

I also make some skewers of red onions and mushrooms.

 

I put the steak onto some skewers and just sear it on all sides on my grill pan.. or you can do it outdoors if you gave a grill.

 

I serve it with white rice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I did the onions and mushrooms in the wok this time.. Just stir fried them in the marinade for a bit..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



 

The Lawn Ornament Whisperer? Is Kinda Loud.

Look at This Crap.

What IS this?

And WHHHYY!?

This Lawn Ornament Whisperer is ---- so very loud without making a sound.


Is this you? Do you do crap like this?

If so, your neighbors should water board you continuously while playing Dick Cheney's version Silent Night.

The extended remixed version.


What exactly goes on inside the head of The Lawn Ornament Whisperer?

Fascinating.

I don't think anyone will ever know.

Maybe it's something like:

"I think what I really need here to make this the' right kind of festive' is 17 giant Santa Clauses, a monkey, an abominable snowman, 14 strings of blinking lights, Micky & Minnie Mouse... and Uhhmm..."

Which one is your craptastic favorite?

 

This one is totally mine.

I kind of almost want one of these now. If... I had a lawn.

 

 

 

 

 

What exactly is going on here with Micky & Minnie?

Don't answer that.

 

Would you be down for a Christmas Eve obstacle course race slalom style on this lawn? It must serve some kind of purpose.

If you want to tour this awesomity- it's on Somerset St in Raritan, NJ.

I know, shocking.

Because Raritan ?  Is usually?  So. Much. Classier. - than that.

Btw- John Basilone?  Just turned over in his grave.







 

Buying Accessories is the Answer to Having a Fat Day

Today I went into a thrift store near my gym which closed too early on me.

This thrift store? Is new.

It's a new store-that carries.. old clothes.


Nothing wrong with that and all- just- I wish it didn't smell like a dirty laundry quarry.

Have you ever noticed how the jeans in thrift shops are never washed? And they stink! Who does this- brings stinky worn jeans into thrift shops to consign?

Apparently, most people do.


Shame on you. 

However, no worries, I'm too fat still to try on jeans.. Because THAT my friends?  Is a motivation killer.


No thank you.

So what did I do? Looked at the accessories. Accessories are always an option.. They are never tight and don't make you look fat.

 

 

Accessories are every ones friend.

I bought a pink handbag that is super cute and was a fraction of the cost of the designer price.

I will never knock a thrift shops hustle. In my opinion, there is no handbag worth more than $100 or no pair of jeans worth more than $50.. And I don't even pay that.

If you do, I feel kind of sorry for you. Because you're probably wearing the same two pairs all year.

And if I am talking to you?  Please, pleeease don't  f***ing forget to WASH THEM.

 

 

 

My Name May Have Been Miranda In Another Life

I should probably be riding my exercise bike while typing this right now.

Because dinner?

 

Chicken Lo Mein !

 

I haven't had lo mein in over a month.

That in itself is victory and tragedy- at war.

 

Notice the picture is a bit blurry on the edges. LOLZ. This is from my greasy fingers that somehow got on the lens of the camera.. Was rushing here- I'm sure you understand.

 

Earlier, I sat here pondering what I would order and of course ended up with-- THE SAME THING.

 

All too often, I have felt JUST LIKE THIS:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x6HEltZvVfo

 

It has actually HAPPENED TO ME. I'm not lying. Sometimes I make DC call the food in now. Oh, the shaming of my social life.

 

But- the video? I'm seriously starting to see the resemblance here. It scares me yet - makes me feel somewhat not alone at the same time.

 

Love me some Miranda.

 

Later, I opened my fortune cookie to find:

 

 

Really? Magnanimous? Me??

 

I wasn't so sure, so I went back to my BFF Google and found out that:

 

 

 

 

 



This is what I decided:

 

If Magnanimous is the first definition, it can't be me.

 

BUT!!

 

If it's really more like the second one- I'm totally down. Actually, I love the way it describes me. LOL! Who could have said that shit any better?

 

BTW- Wikitionary, I'm sure you're totally accredited, trustworthy and vetted. I love you.

 

 

 

 

  

Robbing a Bank is Totally Okay- If It's for a Good Cause

Yesterday, while at the gym.. while in the midst of addressing Operation 150 lbs- I was texting with my friend, Gina.

Just because there aren't words to describe the FUNNY that our conversations are.. I will just post the texts here for you to see for yourself. IDK.. maybe you had to be there??

-------------

Me: ok, I'm at the gym.

Me: Now, say something to make me go inside.

Me: I am so hungry. This is going to be painful.

Me: Might have to heal my wounds w burger king afterwards  and mop up my ugly cried tears with their napkins

Gina: Lol if you must

Me: Just started cardio.. 30  to go

Me: There's this cycling class going on near me- the instructor is shouting like a military officer

Me: And she's singing the words to the songs

Me: Loud!

Me: In between commands

Me: Why does this always happen to me? Annoying

Gina: Ha!! Out Loud!! Omg

Me: yessss

Me: Thankfully, I have my MOSE to block it all out.. (Mose= cheap giant imitation Bose headphones purchased at Five Below store- renamed by Gina)..

Gina: What song?

Me: IDK Something I have never heard before

Gina: Omg why you?

Me: She's singing "let's see how far you can go!"  Sounds like a giant idiot

Me: I heard her from the locker room and i said oh god, noooooooo

Me: And some lady heard me and started LOL.. guess she agreed

Me: I can't believe I'm here.. how did I get here again?

Me: Bc I'm fat?

Me: And Operation 150 became Operation Damage Control?

Me: Til 2015?

Me: Is it a problem that I can feel my stomach touching other parts of me while biking?

Me: How can I turn this into fuck this shit- Operation Tummy Tuck?

Me: Cause If I have to rob a bank- I'm ok with that

Me: No one will recognize me since I never go out and I'm fat now

Me: Just saying

Me: 17 mins down

Me: This must go on my blog

Me: Now I'm angry, fat, hungry annnd sweaty

Me: Part of my Awesome Life

Gina: You should sing

Me: I would but--

Me: It would torture me too.

Me: My singing? Makes my crying look beautiful

Me: worst singer ever

Me: No lie

Me: Hurts me

Me: Even DC is like OMG please- don't sing

Me: LMAO

Me: So I eat instead

Gina: "Let's hear it for the boys!!"

Me: I'm a very skilled eater

Me: 25 mins down

Gina: Living on a prayer!!

Gina: Pump pump the jam!

Me: OMG No.

Me: Wannted.. Dead or Aliiivve..

Me: 27 Down

Me: 1 minute to go

Gina: you did it!

Me: Done

Me: OMG- I can't believe I did it

Gina: Take my hand, and you'll make it I swear !!!

-------------------

Uhm... was this a one-sided conversation?

Damn Gina, you talk too much!











 

Dirty Kitchen = Awesome Cook. Naturally.

Today I was feeling ambitious. I guess you can say I was also feeling nauseated.

Because of Uhhhmm..

THIS:

This? Is the grease and I'm not sure what else- that has corroded the hood over my gas stove.

Is this proof that I am an awesome regular cook who fires up flame throwing things like cherries jubilee and blackened salmon??

Or- a very lazy ass, selectively blind person - who hates to clean?

Could it be both?

I tried to wipe it off with a sponge and some dish detergent but it came back at me with a LOL, yeah-ok.

So, I had to go to my other BFF, Google to do a quick search on how to say  **** you! to this grease.

Google says vinegar, baking soda and.. grease!

Yes, more grease.

Grease? It apparently gets off "other" grease.

I started with the vinegar.

Then I was all- omg this smells like shit and I can't take it another second!

Because vinegar? It does smell like shit.

I was too lazy to dig to the back of the cabinet for the baking soda so that left me with the grease option. Good old canola oil.

One thing: Google didn't tell me it would take 700 hours.

So after what felt like 350, I stopped halfway.

Now, half of the stove hood looks like this:

Still pretty nauseating, depending on which side you're standing on, right?

Then, I cleaned the counters and the stove top itself because that is easier and faster and brings visible results with like- baby wipes alone.

I was feeling all "June Cleaver" except..

THE REST OF THE HOUSE.

My solution to this cognitive dissonance?

I put a (ok 47) dvd on in the "nook" I created for Shane on the far side of the kitchen.. It has our old crappy tv and a dvd player and his old crib mattress on the floor..We just stayed in the kitchen so we wouldn't have to look at the rest of the place for awhile.

Denial can work for you.. if you know how to work it.

I do need a cleaning lady. I admit it. I'm not showing you close ups of the floor or my laundry quarry that is filled to the top..

But I will say this: At least we always have on clean underwear!





















 

The Holiday Sweater Is Not Your Friend

Let's talk for a moment about the holiday sweater.

If you own a Christmas sweater, I'm talking specifically to you.

Just..WHYYYY!??

What is it about these craptastic things that you like? What goes through your mind as you're trying it on and looking at yourself in a 1980's sweater- that has a giant Rudolf plastered across the front with jingle bells and red balls and crap hanging all over it? They have Christmas scenes and snowmen and presents and..

It's like the sweater that threw up on itself.

Is the front is having a Christmas graffiti contest against the back?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not even the most stylish black person can not make a holiday sweater acceptable. Epic. Fail.

The only thing worse than the holiday sweater - is a pregnant person wearing one- with a giant 3-D bow, red skinny jeans, sitting on couch wrapped up in a Snuggie.

Do aliens come down to Earth, kidnap humans and make them wear holiday sweaters?

W. T. F. ??

Put that shit back on the rack and step SLOWLY away from the holiday sweater..

Do they make Christmas Snuggies? Omg, they probably do. I can't even look.

Awesomely cringeworthy.



The only holiday sweaters considered acceptable:

 

 The End.

 

 

 

 

Paula Deen Has a Potty Mouth & I Love It

Do you like watching The Food Network?

I used to love it.. Then I kind of started getting sick of it.. Then I became more and more nauseated with it..


Now? I can barely stomach 3 minutes of it.

There's only so many times I can:

Hear Ina Garten telling me to use the "Good" vanilla.

Look at the state of Bobby Flay's fingernails while he pours honey all over spicy things.

Look, watch, listen to Giada De Laurentiis tell me about her "creamy" concoctions while acting absolutely perfect and never making a mess in the kitchen. EVER.

Stomach Mario Batali? Talented man, great recipes. Also? Huge ass ego, disgusting attire, creepy orange crocs & smile.. So- I watch on mute- with remote on standby.

I want to give you a recipe for a good basic red sauce.. Because I believe that most people are intimidated by it- but a basic red sauce for pasta dishes is simple and like a foundation you can build on. It's super easy and anyone can do it.

Basic Red Sauce

2 large cans of diced tomatoes (plain, without spices bc those taste horrid)

4 or more cloves of sliced fresh garlic

About 3-4 tablespoons extra virgin olive oil

2 tablespoons of butter
1/2 teaspoon (or more) cayenne pepper

1/2 teaspoon (or more) of red pepper flakes

1/2 cup (or more) of chopped fresh basil

Salt & pepper to taste

Directions:

Saute the sliced garlic in heated live oil and melted butter over medium-high heat til lightly brown.. Stir it continuously so it doesn't burn.

Add tomatoes and stir.

Then add the cayenne and red pepper flakes, salt and pepper. I like to add about 1 tsp of kosher salt and adjust with more if needed.

Let simmer for about 15 mins on low heat stirring occasionally.

Add basil at the end as you turn the heat off.

Other things to try adding are:

Parmesan cheese
Kalamata olives
Bacon Anchovies
Sausage or cooked meatballs
Smoked cheese to top the pasta

----------------------------------


I made different variations of this and we have it with linguine or any other pasta.

This is a base recipe that you can add things to and make up your own. It's so simple to make a fast an awesome red sauce. So, just wanted to share that with you.

I also want to share something funny. Hilarious, actually.

If you know Paula Deen- and have watched her show, you will find this so funny. I swear I almost peed my pants and then I went on to watch parts 2 and 3.. (which I recommend).. And then? I didn't get this crap up to my blog til midnight!

I can't even put the effort into trying to make this funny like I wanted to because my son is STILL up, hanging on my legs and trying to slam the keyboard with fists of fury..



Click here for hilarity:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vsGXOrP4iEQ

OMG, I loved this.


Also funny:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rH6SzO0H_8&playnext=1&list=PLC36A34F292274562&feature=results_video