Maybe I Should Have Been a Math Tutor?

Good Evening Internet Friends..

 

My brilliance tank is on empty right now. I worked all day..

But!

 

Here's my brilliant son.. Learning to count.

 

That is what I call this.

And stack.. and create patterns..

These are the foundations of like- algebra and physics people.

 

What? What's the problem?

Gotta start somewhere.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's the Little Things in Life, People..

Oprah's Shawn's Favorite Things..

I was reading about a promo for this years list of "Oprah's Favorite Things" .. Kind of nauseating in way that is- maybe my jealousy that I can't just come up with a yearly list of all the things I love and shower all my friends with them.. ?

If I could, I would. However- fair warning. My favorite things? Probably not on your average wish list. You may not want them if I tried..

Sriracha Hot Sauce

The spicy-sweet, garlicky-vinegary, all-purpose hot sauce that makes life worth living.

If you love spicy/hot things- and you haven't tried this gold in a bottle.. Your life is not complete.

Seriously. It's not.

I have been accused of Sriracha peer-pressure. I should probably be on the company payroll. I have even sent people home from my house with it. Try it, you'll like it. It's good for you. Capsasin increases metabolism. Sriracha is your friend. Your best one. You just don't know it yet.
    

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Thank you to " The Oatmeal" for these pictures that describe this magic in a bottle so accurately. I couldn't have said it any better -because what doesn't taste better with Sriracha?




Asian Potstickers/Dumplings

I love going to Chinatown in Manhattan. The dumplings alone are enough to warrant that trek. Mandarin Court is awesome. Because I cannot get to Chinatown weekly, I have found these in the Asian Food Market in Piscataway.. They are delightful in a way that makes you hoard your food and not share with others. Ever.

Interesting fact: Dumplings are one of the best hangover foods known to man. It's salty, greasy, tasty, noodley goodness all in one small package.

Who gives a crap if it's mystery meat? I lie to myself about the origin of its parts and move happily along. You should too. Your mouth will thank you.



Old English Malt Liquor AKA: "OE"

Before you laugh, check yourself.

Generally, most malt liquor is nasty to me. BUT! I have an affinity for this beer. Perhaps you drank it in college? Perhaps you drank it when it was all you could afford? I drink it now because it's just so damn good.

I'm not a beer snob. I have an open beer mind. If you enjoy beer as well- and you haven't tried this splendid fizzy bubbly in a bottle- I don't think you will be sorry. Yeah, it's a little embarrassing buying beer in apothecary looking 40 oz glass bottles. But I think that's part of the aura. Something so incredibly cheap yet awesome- one of the best kept secrets of cheap but tasty beer.

Bonus! Much higher alcohol content.. Do I hear anyone complaining?



Red Wine

As long as it's not the cheap stuff. I can't drink that. If that's the only thing available, I don't even need a 12-step program. Pass the water.

Feel free to buy me a case of this instead of a Snuggie for Christmas. I will even share. I promise.



Glitter Nail Polish

I love shiny things in general. You should see my patent leather shoe collection. So when I discovered this nail polish, I was all ZOMG, MUST HAVE. And now I do!

It's by Essie and the color is called "Set in Stones" for anyone else out there who has a shiny addiction to fulfill.

 

Looks. Awesome.

You will need sandpaper and half gallon of pure acetone to get it off- but that's the price I'm willing to pay to have these sparkly little gems in my life. I can't be bothered to clean my bathroom on the regular, but I damn sure have an extra hour or two to apply and remove awesome shiny nail polish. Priorities, people.



Chicken Lo Mein

If I knew I was going to have my last meal in life, it would definitely have to be a quart of Chicken Lo Mein from a good Chinese take out joint. On which I would slather Sriracha and wash it down with a 40 Oz bottle of OE. Chinese noodles are just about one of the best things in life. Plus, I can afford them. Even better.

Heaven in a wok.



Yo Gabba Gabba


Because these creepy characters exist, I can cook, clean, shower and work out. Shane loves them and I'm almost certain he thinks they are part of our family. I'm ok with that. They are very responsible babysitters. They have good manners and don't say craptastic things when they come to visit us. And they visit often. Like for four hours a day. They can come over for Thanksgiving anytime at my house.

 

 

 

Meet our extended family...
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I have a few others on this list. But you don't want me to go on and on about kalamata olives, hummus, toasted sesame oil, Lebanese chicken shawarma and Nissen Soups do you?

Why is most of my list about food? Is this why I still haven't successfully completed Operation 150? Maybe I'm just aiming too high?


I think I might have a serious problem..


 

Technical Difficulties.

Hello Internets..

I had prewritten half of a two part post that was going to be posted today and the other half tomorrow.

I typed them from my Blackberry .. (I knowwww..)  - and I'm having difficulty loading it from the server.

I will post both parts tomorrow - to make up for the lack of something today..

I'm sorry Internet Friends.. some shit is just beyond my control.

Check back on Friday (tomorrow).. I have a post all ready for you!

xoxo



 

I Think I Might Be a Moron.

Dear Internets,

Uhmmm, I made an error.

Reject Snuggie is not technically an oxymoron. After telling you about my unintentional- yet awesomely fake oxymoron yesterday.. I could not stop thinking about other REAL oxymoron's that I probably make up all the time without the pleasure of realizing it..

I looked online and found a few others that made me laugh..

It's only right that I share them with you.. Because.. Uh- I need a blog post today and it's good to revisit rules of English grammar here and there because.. Uhmm- it's just good.

Go with it.. Ok?

Btw, for all you other morons out there who do not know what an oxymoron is... May I take you back to 6th grade for a moment so you can get your shit right? I will join you.

OXYMORON: A two word phrase in which the words ironically contradict each other.

Now that we have that cleared up.. Here are some I found amusing:

-Political Correctness

-Rap Music

-United Nations

-Bible Studies

-Microsoft Works

-Amicable Divorce

-Utah Jazz

-Organized Religion

-Tax Return

-Asian Italian

- Holy Crap

-English Cuisine

-Affordable Housing

-Church of Scientology

-United Arab Emirates

-Adult Male

-State Worker

-Happy Marriage

-Religious Education


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Question: Is "Skinny Jeans" an oxymoron?

I guess that might depend on who is wearing them...

Night all!





 

Snuggies Might Be Gay. And Hey- This Mac & Cheese is Awesome.

Today I'm going to share a recipe with you, Internets. As well as some more thoughts on:

 

The Snuggie*

 

The recipe is for a very delicious easy stove top macaroni & cheese that can be made super fast but tastes awesome-no baking!

 

If there was a such thing as heaven, I think this is what it would taste like. And with extra hot sauce? Even better. That would have to be called Utopia.

 

This is my adaptation of a recipe I got from the food network to simplify my Thanksgiving cooking.

 

It's like a quick and dirty awesome mac and cheese. I have been eating this for days so I figured it's only fair that you should be fat too. Naturally.

 

If in 2 days you don't want to have to Miranda Hobbs the left overs with dish detergent.. You could lower the fat. Just use fat free condensed milk and half of the butter. This is actually how I prefer to make it because then I can stuff my face daily with like -only half the guilt.

 

Don't cheap out on the cheese or skip the ground mustard, because those are key to making this awesomely bad- in the best way. I like Cracker Barrel Extra Sharp Cheddar..but go with what you love-just not the cheap stuff people.

 

 M&C Recipe

 

• 1  pound elbow or cavatappi (my fav)  macaroni
• 4 tablespoons butter
• 4 eggs
• 12  ounces evaporated milk
• 2 tablespoons (or more!) hot sauce - Sriracha preferred!

• 2 teaspoons kosher salt
• Fresh black pepper
• 1 tablespoon of powdered garlic - more or less to taste
•  1 tablespoon dry mustard - or more to taste
• 10 (or a few more)  ounces sharp cheddar, shredded

Directions

In a large pot of boiling, salted water cook the pasta to al dente and drain. Return to the pot and melt in the butter. Toss to coat.

Whisk together the eggs, milk, hot sauce, garlic, salt, pepper, and mustard. Stir into the pasta and add the cheese. Over low heat continue to stir for 3 minutes or until creamy.

 

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Now that you've practically pushed your Easy Button to make this deliciousness, you can sit on your new Costco couch to eat it- in your Snuggie, and catch up on my blog all at the same time.

 

Truly. Awesome.

 

Btw- I was trying to bring myself to post another picture of a Snuggie for your sheer aesthetic viewing pleasure.. But when I did a google search for "Snuggies are".. Here is what came up.

 

• Snuggies are stupid

• Snuggies are a cult

 

• Snuggies are gay
   

• Snuggies are retarded

• Snuggies are dangerous (Huh?)

• Snuggies retarded monk

BWAH HA HAAAH HAAAAAAAH!

I laughed so hard I fell down and then? I decided to spare you, because.. you're still reading.

 

Totally not PC. What? The Internet said it. It wasn't me people.. Don't shoot the messenger.

 

 

Great, you're totally getting me one for Christmas now, right?

 

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* I told Gina yesterday that you can get a Snuggie at the Five-Below store for $5.00 but they are the "reject-Snuggies".

 

I then realized that is the best oxymoron  I will never erase.

 

 

Please Don't Say You Own a Snuggie..

Yesterday I was at Costco.

On a SUNDAY.

Because holy crap -I like to inflict torture upon myself and/or feel like I'm in some overcrowded Asian city without actually having to travel.

Costco and I have a love/hate relationship. I love them because they sell cheap wine and tasty shrimp. And because they have normal staff who seem to have their shit together. I have never seen a lazy Costco employee. These people are hustlers. The lines move fast like a factory in China.

I sometimes hate it there because I feel like too many of the customers are like rude foreigners touring an American Warehouse. You are invisible to them and they will not cower to any form of a social norm. What's that??  


But- I can't break up with Costco!

NOooooo!

Whenever I am there all rational thought goes out the window- almost.

It's like they have everything for sale you didn't realize you wanted or needed-until you got there.

Suddenly, I'm pondering the need for 25 lbs of meat, 6 loaves of bread, a giant pop-up tent, tons of socks, pots & pans, exotic plants, a tool set, giant vats of lotion & vitamins, another coat, sheet sets, pillows, comforters and new tires!

Except! I really don't.

So I try to make my way through the throngs of people with my air craft carrier sized shopping cart- to get what I came for.

This is where the hate part of the relationship comes into play. The people who stand in line like it's a food ration- waiting for the free samples of various Costco foods. They park their carts mid-aisle, and stand there blocking traffic for 1/18th of an ounce of crab dip.

OMG. I WANT TO KILL THESE PEOPLE.

I want to ram the backs of their ankles with my cart. I want to scream in their faces "What the hells the matter with you? Have you never seen food before!?"


Costco also now sells vacations, cars, urns & caskets.

Caskets?

Yeah. I guess that's cool. You can be buried with your comfy Costco feather down pillows and sheet set.. Waaay better than a Snuggie.

Holy Crap- I am so tired right now that I must abruptly end this post- before anyone gets me started about The Snuggie.

Just, NO.





 

Cause and Effect.

Today has been long. I am behind. This is- for me- is a late post.

I don't have a brilliant piece for you today, Internets.

Because blogging is hard and being brilliant is also hard.

When I have the time to write, I truly enjoy it- and even when I don't-because I think I work/write best under pressure.

Sometimes, I think I was a writer/journalist in a past life. But here's the thing- are you ready for the thing?*

I actually don't believe in past lives because I am not religious.

In fact, I am an Atheist.

I live and die by logic. Science has enlightened me. I am happy for that. I don't live my life in fear of threats, fairy tales or myths. I believe wholeheartedly in cause and effect.

I believe this is it. One shot deal.

Truthfully, I think I wanted and maybe should have been a journalist/writer (and a lawyer!) in THIS life- the one and only.

I remember being turned off in college by a crappy professor who made me think it wasn't going to be fun or fulfilling. I wish I hadn't been influenced by him. If I could remember his name, I'd call him out right now. **

He was the worst of the worst. I got an F in that class. Not because I didn't have talent or don't know how to write, but because I now see that I cryptically defied him.. And he did not like me- or so it felt.

Live and learn.

I believe that the irony of being a writer lies within the fact that writers spend so much time alone-trying to connect with other people.  That's the part I love most.

Surreal.

You have to be willing to be vulnerable. To peel away layers of protective skin. If you are truly honest and forthcoming, people will then know things about you. It's true risk taking. Sometimes, I don't like that. Others- I'm all about transparency.

I'm a mom who also says f**k on the Internets. But I have to be able to say that because- F**K, I need to express myself, Internets! I need you to know I'm a normal person like you- who says f**k on the Internet and can still be an awesome mom.

If you've made it this far, you must really like my blog. For those of you who read, I thank you because it does mean something to me.

Wouldn't it be great if life really did have an easy button? Like the commercial?

*Awesome Gina-ism

**By the way, I just remembered the name of the professor who I felt crushed my dreams: Treadwell. Kean University. If you're reading this Professor Treadwell, I just want you to know that Dante's Inferno is not the end all be all of literature. And I think your "interpretation" of it sucks! Hah! Take that!

 

Laughter Wards Off Cancer.

Today is Black Friday.

But guess what?

I DON'T CARE.

Because there is NO amount of money that I could save on anything that would justify or evoke any desire to stand in line with crowds of nauseating, obnoxious people who get high for sales.

NONE.

On Black Friday, the safest and best place to be is at home, eating Turkey Tettrazini (Which- I'm sorry if you really are), watching these idiots on the news clobbering and stampeding over each other just to get inside for 50% off pajamas and craptastic items sold only at Wal-mart that we all cannot live without?

What is inside Wal-Mart that could ever make me act this way?

These people beat the shit out of eachother to get inside the store. They fight like trailer trash at a cock fight without realizing their co-pays at the hospital will be more than they saved in the first place. And, hello Charity Care?

The next thing you know, these jerk-offs are in the news over this stupidity and idiotic TV execs are lining up trying sign them up for their own reality show.

Happens  All. The. Time.

Perfect example: This here is a woman named "Sweet Brown".

If you take the time to click these links in proper order.. I promise that you will laugh your ass off like you haven't in a long time.

This is the first video.. Which introduced Sweet Brown to the World..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udS-OcNtSWo


THEN!! Here, is the funniest remix of such video that you will ever see.

Ever.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bFEoMO0pc7k


Sidenote* I watch these regularly bc I firmly believe that intense laughter wards off cancer. I'm not sure anything has made me laugh harder than this in over five years.

Sweet Brown has now been awarded her own reality show.

Truthfully- and with guilt- I admit that I am SO looking forward to watching it. You know that shit will bring Nene Leakes-  to the 100th power- without the money..

Might make for some reality tv I would actually watch-Project Ghetto Fabulous.

The fascination? I admit it. It's there. No shame in admitting that because.. I'm sure this woman will bring the funny.. She's got that shit on lock.

Got me to wondering. What do you think Sweet Brown is like in line on Black Friday? Hope you brought your brass knuckles, folks.

Just sayin.

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*Tags: Crunk Ass People, Craptastic Pajamas, Train Wrecks are Awesome.

 

Dear Miranda Hobbs, I Love You...

Great Scott! I need a f**king Flux Capacitor!

I need to go back in time and change the future.

I need to go back and NOT eat macaroni and cheese and mashed potatoes yesterday.

I feel like a marine animal ....  that rhymes with snail.

I also have a mild hangover today- that I would NOT go back and change. Because yesterday? Was fun. Drunken blogging is kind of fun. Drunken cooking and watching your kid is also more fun. Dangerous, but fun. I had the assistance of my husband, so don't get all social services on me. Besides, I am allowed a day or ten of drunken fun a year.

Today I had the hangover cravings. The kind that demands you to open mouth, insert greasy and salty food.. rinse, repeat. This is not at all condusive to the success of Operation 150.

What's a girl to do?

I'll tell you what I think I should do. I need a giant bottle of dish detergent.. to pour all over this fattening version of mac and cheese I made for my no-show guests. Did you see Miranda (from Sex and the City) do that? I love Miranda for that. It is SO real. I have to find this on you tube.

Holy Crap. I found it.  Shit is GOLDEN.

Watch this. I promise you will love it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfk5iseN87k

 

It's Official. My Blog is Brilliant.

Today, I got an email from a good friend. He lives in Colorado now and he follows this blog. I was so happy to hear from him because- hello? He said my blog was brilliant!

That is the ultimate compliment coming from a true friend. A true friend whom I also respect because he is funny, witty and honest. Thank you, true friend in Colorado.. named Chris Fic.

This morning, I was up early and felt like a Mom Marine. I was getting more shit done than- the usual shit I get done.. before 6 AM!

I went to the gym to address Operation 150 for the day and was then on my way to the liquor store when... I saw the Bagels 4 U shop was open.  ZOMG... I had to stop. Because.. starving. Open bagel shop? Must stop.

I ordered a breakfast bagel sandwich and then while they were making it- it ocurred to me. WTF are you doing? It's Thanksgiving! I have an 80 ton ham waiting for me to cook and eat. And mashed potatoes. And stuffing and ... nevermind.

Speaking of cooking ..

Yesterday, I cooked a 13 lb. turkey in advance. You can do this if you A. Have a 20 lb ham to cook the following day and-  B. If you have some kind of awesome gravy that doctors up a pre-cooked mummified turkey.

I followed the directions exactly and when I took my turkey out .. it looked like a a crispy frozen tight mummy. Like pieces of old carpet patched together on the skeleton of a bird. No lie. I was all f**k! What the hell am I gonna do with crispy mummy meat? Patch the stained carpet in my apartment? Pour awesome gravy all over it and hope people are scared to say anything?

I'm going with the latter.

Because it's Thanksgiving.. and because I'm a bit tipsy already- I'm allowed to phone this one in. I had big plans of giving you awesome recipes for mac and cheese and other things but I need a premature nap.

Trust me, it's for the best.

But, before I go-- I want to know. Did the cops come to anyone's house yet? How did you cope with your aunt/uncle _______________ (fill in the blank)?? Did your grandmother's house have wi-fi? Dial up even? WTF.

Sometimes, it's truly awesome when the cops come to your NEIGHBOR'S house on Thanksgiving.. drama you can truly enjoy.

I will end today's post on a positive note.. Thanksgiving overeating probably leads to:  less skinny jeans.. for at least 2 weeks! Hah!

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tags: Whatchya gonna do when they come for you? Bad- boys, Bad-boyysss..     Hangovers aren't awesome.